Jags Jangle Jittery Jammy Jaded Gers

Mystery Train (Part 97)

I haven’t caught the train to work for a week or so.

This morning I did.

Tannoy - “We are sorry…………”

9 minutes delayed due to ‘a problem at Haymarket’.

They didn’t say what the problem was - possibly there were Martian invaders emerging through a portal in platform 2; maybe a gigantic hole the size of Murrayfield has appeared in the tracks at, eh, Murrayfield; or was it the more mundane, and more usual, reason? viz, - the scheduled driver was drunk and had to be replaced by someone slightly more sober.

Anyway, 9 minutes late it was. 

I do not know if this train ran on time on any of the recent days when I didn’t catch it. All I know is that it has never run on time on the days when I’ve been on it.

Maybe it’s me.

I should tell them in advance when I’m going to be on the train so that they can give advance notice to the other passengers that the train will be late.

News from the Conspiracy to Murder Department

I notice that Mohammed al-Fayed has failed in his bid to force Prince Philip into the witness box at the inquest into the death of his son and his son’s friend.

This has denied the assembled hacks the possibility of a rich seam of bon mots falling from the ageing Prince’s lips. Many newspapers and other media sources get over their sadness at the loss of this tantalising possibility by replaying Phil’s greatest hits - I copy this from neatorama, in turn lifted from ‘Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader’ -

To a driving instructor in Scotland: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?“

To a Nigerian diplomat in traditional Nigerian garb: “You look as if you’re ready for bed.”

On seeing a fuse box filled with wires, during a visit to an electronics company: “This looks like it was put in by an Indian.”

To a chubby 13-year-old boy at a space exploration exhibit, pointing to a space capsule: “You’ll have to lose weight if you want to go in that.“

To a smoke-detector activist who lost two of her children in a house fire: “My smoke alarm is a damn nuisance. Every time I run my bath, the steam sets it off and I’ve got firefighters at my door.“

To members of the British Deaf Association, while pointing to a loudspeaker playing Caribbean music: “No wonder you are deaf.”

To a tourist, during a state visit to Hungary: “You can’t have been here long, you’ve not potbelly.”

Speaking to British students studying in China: “If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed.“

On the “key problem” facing Brazil: “Brazilians live there.“

On his daughter Princess Anne: “If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested.“

On seeing a picture once owned by England’s King Charles I in the Louvre in Paris: “So I said to the Queen, ‘Shall we take it back?’”

Quick quiz - nae prizes - what is happening here?